Late in the afternoon, after resting after hiking around Saddlebag Lake and Twenty Lakes Basin, Santosha Ma called up to me and asked if I wanted to go off-roading around Mono Lake on a road I had been bugging her to go on since we arrived. We did a little 4-wheeling in the Alabama Hills earlier in the trip and I wanted to try this road I saw on the map. This would be our first experience on a long ride, 20 miles. I had the sense that it would be spontaneous, adventurous, thrilling and fun. What I didn’t know was that the ride would end up being a perfect example of where I was stuck in my Sadhana.
On the road on the way to the road, Santosha Ma remarked that I was not a happy person and was not practicing the yoga of happiness. I played surprised, but I had to agree, I was more unhappy than happy. I had become a worrier. Yes at 55 years old, my favorite thought loop was that of worry, no matter how insignificant the worries, I would spin them into future suffering, bad experiences and near death experiences.
Earlier in the day on the Saddlebag hike, I created this fear that the recent heavy snow season was going to make the snowfields we normally have to cross on this hike very dangerous and likely impassable. We had to be very careful, even before we even got to the snow fields. I had hardly enough time to worry. As we approached the deadly snow fields, there was something missing, the snow, Santosha purposely waited to take this hike later in the trip because of the heavy snow season. She told me this earlier, but I still let my mind run rampant and failed to practice any mind yoga to break the cycle of worry. As always, my Guru was in the moment and taking care of us all. Through creating this fear, I not only lost the chance to respond in the moment to any real danger but was not able to feel the stillness and beauty of a Sierra paradise or bring any energy to the hike or my Guru.
We traveled towards Mono Lake and arrived at Navy beach, near Mono Lake’s South Tufas in Santosha Ma’s Toyota FJ Cruiser. We headed northeast on a 4 wheel drive road named 1N54, it was barely a road, deep sand through a sage brush corridor. Santosha was driving and had the FJ Cruiser in H4; we thought we better put it in L4; however we did not know how to do this. While we were bouncing down the road, I had the owner’s manual in one hand and the map in the other hand trying to read the chapter on shifting into L4. I was also holding onto the hand grip. It was hilarious. After a few tense minutes we were able to shift into L4 which gave us a lot more traction through the sand and over obstacles.
It was getting rough and crazy, so I decided I better start worrying. Was I on the right road? Was the map wrong? Did God purposely change true north just to mess with me! Was the ridge I was using as a landmark, really the ridge that was on the map. Were we going to crash? I was torn between the exhilarating thrill of the trip with my Guru exhibiting Rat Patrol like driving skills and the counterfeit fear that we were going to perish and everybody would be mad at the dead me for suggesting this crazy road. I lost my attention on the ride and gave it up to worry instead.
The road continued to consist of deep sand, lots of ruts, and series of rolling dips and a few areas of compacted sand. Santosha kept pushing through the deep sand and we continued down the road for another 12 miles and veered right, away from Mono Lake and through some small hills. Throughout the drive I was pressing on an imaginary gas and brake pedal on the passenger side and offering encouragements as we made our way through the sand pits. After a while we came to a barb wired fence that had a barbed wire gate blocking our way. We figured we had already come over half way, so I un-hooked the gate, Santosha Ma drove through, I reattached the gate and we continued on our adventure.
Nobody told me I had to go through a barb wire gate. I looked over at Santosha Ma and she was smiling and focused on the task at hand, driving through the desert. She was in the moment. However, I was getting more worried because of the degree of difficulty of driving on the 1N54, not knowing if we were on the right road. One positive clue was that the compass in the FJ continued reading north, the general direction of the road on the map. But remember, I had my doubts about true north. We kept heading towards a mountain range probably about 20 miles away. I kept looking off into the horizon waiting to see some terrain change that might indicate when this road, 1N54 was going to tee into Route 167. So far, all I saw was sage brush, sand dunes and rock hills. Our first real 4-wheel drive experience was getting very precarious.
We continued on and saw a very tall sand dune ahead of us without seeing where the road was going, Santosha asked if we had to drive over the sand dune, I remarked that I did not see any tracks, so the road must go around the sand dune. The road actually did go around the sand dune but across the very bottom of the slope (toe) of the sand dune hill or what I found out later is what 4 wheelers call a side hill. Only to be conquered by experienced off rood drivers. The chances of tipping over is high on a side hill.
We had to drive on the side hill to get past the sand dune. The FJ Cruiser slid one way, and then the other, and then the other way, this continued as Santosha Ma’s made her way around the sand dune at a severe angle. Santosha corrected each slide by steering into the direction of the slide and moving the front wheels back and forth to maintain and add traction. This was incredible driving for Santosha’s first off road adventure. She could probably fly a jet on her first try. After some roaring laughter we continued on our journey toward the paved road.
One substantial clue that we were headed in the right direction was the fresh tire tracks of other drivers that had taken this route recently. That was my theory anyway! We did not want to run into a dead end and have to backtrack 20 miles to Navy Beach, over all the obstacles we knew were behind us. After several more miles of rolling dips and encouragements, I spotted what I thought was a shack off in the horizon, then I saw a wide area off the road that had a fire pit, either an undeveloped camping spot or a local party hangout. As we were approaching the building that we saw off in the horizon, a regular car with a luggage rack drive by on Route 167, perpendicular to our sand road, 1N54. After 20 miles of off road adventure and 1,000 miles of worrying, we reentered the hard top world and high-fived each other. When we got home, I excitedly told the story to our friends, I loved the spontaneity of the trip. Of course I left out the worrying part, why spoil a thrilling story when I can be perceived as the free flowing desert spirit that I fantasize I am.
Santosha Ma asked me to include the story as part of a trip report I was keeping. When I first showed it to her, she said I left out the most important part, the Sadhana lesson of the 1N54 trip. I fought this task for weeks. Kept putting it off until my Guru’s fire lit my heart’s pen into action. The lessons learned were numerous. As I get older, my mind wants to take life’s awkward moments and spin them into a survival threatening moment because I am closer to death. I am getting older and life is disappearing. I worry about the next suffering moment and don’t practice the japa to break the cycle of worry and let the next moment just arise without any pre-conditioned qualities. Life is just like the 4 wheel drive adventure, very spontaneous, full of awkward moments, suffering, pain and happiness. It all cycles through, but it doesn’t have to be an occupation of worrying. When will there be time for the Divine? Life’s actual experience or reality is not related to the mind. Reality does not justify the yoga of worrying. I live a graced life. I think the only way I would true fully deserve to be sad is if all that I worry about actually happen. Now that is a scary thought.
What to worry about next? How about worrying that I won’t do the yoga of discrimination that breaks the cycle of worry and I won’t have any moments available to me to put my attention on God. Santosha Ma drove the entire distance of the off road adventure, and then gave me the teachings of the metaphor of the trip and where I am stuck in my Sadhana. I have paraphrased her teachings throughout this story. I Thank and Love Santosha Ma. As always, I would never have seen anything unless it was for her.
