November 16, 2012
It used to be people came to their Masters when they were prepared and mature, having seen the world for what it was and having relinquished all their attachments to it, they were ready to get down to business. This certainly wasn’t the case with me. I came to Santosha Ma totally unprepared, quite immature with all my seeking in the world fully intact. I am an example of the White Woman’s syndrome of fakery, as Santosha Ma calls it – a poser, full of arrogance and entitlement, all the while spouting I just have good intentions, that I care. I expected spiritual life to enhance my agenda instead of undermine it. I used Santosha Ma for my own gain.
I have been with my Guru Santosha Ma all these many years (26) and although she has continuously showered me with love, transmission, and teachings I have regretfully remained fundamentally unchanged, never abandoning my egoic seeking in the world. Instead I still animate my lower tendencies and use her and her gifts to help me do this, to make my seeking seem legitimate and to make me special. At the same time I get puffed up that I am a spiritual aspirant actually doing practice.
On a recent trip Santosha Ma laid everything out for me to see about how my ego operated and to experience a training period to become internally focused, riding on japa and not as distracted by events etc. She explained that there are three phases in your relationship with the Guru. In the beginning there is a great enthusiasm as the bond is forming. The next phase (the faith phase) involves the necessary wearing down and denting of the ego which the Guru does through criticism of the devotee until we can learn to be honest. Ego transcendence requires ego transcendence, not just cleaning things up a bit and trying to be a better person or look like a better person. My reaction to her critiques was to take it personally that I was a bad person and retreat to lick my wounds, laying low and then trying to reenter with some dignity. It was all a play of pride and social face on my part.
If I had really grasped what she was trying to show me I would have begun to understand the nature of the ego and that it is just lower tendencies – you can’t get a “better” or “nicer” ego. There is no “good” ego. All I am ever doing are my preferences and my agenda until I become conscious of this and take another action. Either I am enacting an ego agenda or I am focused on the Divine. My only option, only refuge, only answer, is to keep my attention on the Divine. I never really got this. I never understood the impersonal nature of the ego, I always took it so personally, even though she gave many teachings on this subject. She tried to show me that if my focus is on the Divine then events and circumstances don’t effect me. My internal connection to her is all I should care about. This doesn’t mean I can be irresponsible. I have to take care of my survival but that doesn’t require much and my life is simple.
As we walked about she would at times turn and say, “How is japa going?” I would have just at that moment stopped. She was on it. How patient and dedicated she is. She has often said she cares more about our Enlightenment than we do.
So all these years I had my secret life of “cookies” (as she calls them) where my seeking and attachments were hidden, but not really. A big one is relationships: children, family, friends, all relationships really. I use them to create a sense of being special, to feel I am loved, to be taken care of and as a back door should things not work out with Santosha Ma. She talked about my attachment to my children and how that wasn’t love. They are grown and don’t need or want a mother or my advice. I had to let go and accept the empty nest. Money is also a place where I am secretive and overly cautious, actually miserly, filled with unfounded fears for my survival.
She felt my worries and my ambivalence about paying for things on the trip and offered the option of making a gesture which involves a sacrifice. Only then does it really mean anything. My job was where I was seeking heavily to be the special one, actively asserting my individuality, instead of it was just a job. I justified it by reasoning surely Santosha Ma wanted me to succeed at my work. She had repeatedly corrected me about this but I was addicted to the power. I was very unconscious of how these attitudes, attachments, and patterns effected my actions and behavior and created separation from the Divine, from her. I have to face them and break them up. They are not love. If I really want to be a loving person, I have to surrender the ego.
On the trip when we were standing on a path near the rim of an inactive volcano she asked me to give her a “cookie”. Surprisingly “Jealousy” jumped out. We had been talking about my past history and a leading corrupting emotion is/has been jealousy and it is always arising. When she pointed out I am jealous of her, I was shocked. I am so un in-touch with what I am up to! I am jealous of who she is, her power, her life, everything. I am also jealous of anyone I perceive is close to her or she prefers or she praises or really anyone I perceive is better or has it better than me. It was only by her persistent examples that I had to admit all this is true. She offered that I can give this to her.
When these feelings of jealousy or whatever lower tendency arise and try to assert themselves, give them to her and return to japa. Go to her picture and admit it and then release it. All my reactivity was complicated because I could never admit to such things. I held onto this idea I was a “good” person and I didn’t have all these ugly negative emotions and motives. This stubbornness cost me the understanding I sought. “See the ego agendas hiding beneath. Get onto yourself and do the different action.” I thought I was, but not really. This fakery has a price, a big price. It undermines what is real and I can’t be who I truly am because I’m trying to look good, save face at the expense of integrity.
The trip provided an excellent role model for the White Woman Poser in the form of Linda Lingle, a woman running for the US Senate in Hawaii. A white woman in a muumuu wearing a lei saying “I care about Hawaii.” Just seeing her made you mad. There was something so unctuous about her manner that she was a good mirror of how offensive this arrogance and entitlement are. This is a persona I reflect, this fakery. Very sobering. And her ads were always coming on, so she was constantly in my face. Seeing someone else play out my tendencies makes it easier to understand how insulting the behavior is. It is difficult to honestly see myself. This was perfect.
Seeing myself as a failure is a negative mind loop – it doesn’t change anything but it does have consequences. These negative mind loops create bad karma because they build up and then I do some stupid action as result. When my mind is focused on God it creates good karma. As the saying goes your attention creates your world – it’s either on God or it is on the ego. They are mutually exclusive, one or the other. It can’t be anything else. There is no trying to fix anything or make a better me. Once this principle is really understood then true practice can take place and as events occur which will test me I will be able to respond in a different manner. She has repeatedly told me once I start seeing the results, I’ll want to do it. It will become easier to relinquish the small patterns based on my fears and insecurities when I see they keep me separate from her. She reminds me to just always keep the Big Picture in mind. I’m old. I’ve seen it all and it ain’t pretty! What am I waiting for??
The path takes real strength. Get past my timidity and be willing to stand as I am and be true to myself. I have to take the initiative and stop being a follower. Just state what I want and go directly for it, being aggressive when it is called for. “You have to always be making decisions in each moment to choose the Divine. Things change when people see you stand firm in your belief. No one expects the Pope to act conventionally and play social games. Why should a spiritual aspirant? Aren’t you tired of being a fraud? You have to be strong to have me take the ego, otherwise it won’t give up.”
On this trip with Santosha Ma she was showing me all these ways I am selfish, mean, lazy, abusive etc – in the past and presently how I was now interacting with her, in my comments, actions and attitudes. How she gets ignored when I try to fulfill social gestures like when I was talking with the parking attendant instead of helping her load her things into the car. How I engage in casual conversation and comments instead of staying in japa. How I over or under exaggerate in everything I say instead of just being honest. Just be straight without the fake niceness! Stop hyping. How I cut up some fruit for her but didn’t tell her it was ready or inquire if she wanted some more and just went to take care of something for myself. How I worry about every detail (while ignoring her) and yet I see how easefully she lives without fussing over anything. How I continually mis-parked the car even though she was constantly correcting me.
The last one became a metaphor for arrogance and defiance. She said it was my passive aggressive way of saying “You can’t tell me what to do.” These are just a few of the many that occurred. I tried to stay with japa and didn’t do my usual hysteric reactive drama which was only by her grace – I could feel she held me there so I could receive this teaching. However upon return I started thinking I had failed and got insecure. A phone call from one of the women, with Santosha Ma in the background asking what was going on, broke it up. “I failed.” “No,” I could hear her saying. “That was just the ego getting confronted. You failed NOW thinking you failed and then reacting!” That just made me so happy and I couldn’t help but laugh. She felt it must have had to do with jealousy and indeed it did. I was jealous of the progress the men had made and felt they would never have made the foolish mistakes I had.
Years of drama over lessons and corrections but I never surrendered the cookies. So here I am at the beginning after all these years, but I am not depressed or despaired. There is a true process and it is not a secret or mystery. We all start at the same place – there is nothing to do, nowhere to go here, except ego transcendence. I want to move to the internal relationship where I give her all my desires, plans and cookies. “People think they can just live their lives and something will happen, but that’s not true. You have to do the work of non-attachment, non-seeking and directing attention to the Divine. Keep asking the big questions, seeing the big picture. Answering them will result in changing your perception and behavior.” She and Adi Da have given us the answer but it isn’t done for us, I have to consciously participate in this process. It takes great focus so despite what is going on I remain located in the internal relationship to the Divine. It is perfecting my inner life not my outer life.
This brings us to the third phase with the guru which is that of conviction. No matter what arises in your life you always live love and keep your focus on the Divine. The ego has been well dented at this point and you live a humble life in remembrance and appreciation of God. How unique and beautiful this guru-devotee relationship is.
There is no way to understand the sacrifice the guru is always making to help bring her devotee to understanding. Santosha Ma withstands all our abuse and anger to break up the painful misunderstandings we live by so we can be free and know God. And she does it in the midst of seemingly very ordinary circumstances as you walk with her or share a lunch. Being with Santosha Ma is this wonderful dance of love. She works 24/7. It is remarkable to see that at the same time she is working with me she is blessing the woman standing on the corner and acknowledging the trees and all of nature. Nothing escapes her notice because she sees all is Consciousness and wants everything to realize this Truth. Her love is the greatest force in this universe. It is bigger than anything and holds all in its embrace.
Neil Britto
February 23, 2022This is Neil Testing out comments! Hooooorah!