I AM She, Durga!
The trip to Fiji
June 1–7 1994 by Susan Shaw
It’s been twenty years since Santosha Ma went to Fiji to try to see Her Beloved Adi Da and give Him a gift. The seeds of this remarkable adventure were planted and sprouted earlier in time and this is an attempt to gather all the pieces to this unfolding so we can be amazed by the wonderment of it. It is like stepping through the Star Gate or falling down the rabbit’s hole when you are with Santosha Ma because anything can happen – it is always the open-end moment.
The Goddess so wished to see the Avatar who was residing on an island in the middle of the world. Although They are closer than a breath or a heart beat She longed to see His face and take His hand and walk along the beach with Him laughing and delighting in the Love which They are, marveling at Their play together.
Let’s start back in the Fall of 1993. Adi Da came to Santosha Ma in a dream on November 19, 1993 and gave Her the job of being His chauffeur, “explaining that then They could always be together. He suggested a jeep ‘as the roads are often untamed and untended.’” As Santosha Ma recorded the dream: “I ask Master Da Love Ananda if I can be with Him always. He says, ‘Yes, but I will have to give you a job as people will be jealous.’ He gives me the job of being His chauffeur. I love it and He suggests that I will need a jeep for the job. I buy a jeep that morning.” (Herstory)
It is significant synchronicity that on November 19, 1993 Adi Da performed the Empowerment of Atma Nadi Shakti Loka (The “Brightness”) where His Body is now buried. “On November 19, 1993, when Bhagavan went down a ladder to Empower the Mahasamadhi chamber, there was a great din of conches and bells and ecstatic cries erupting from without in worship of the Incarnate Divine Person, as He Established Himself Spiritually in the place of His future burial.” (The Eternal One p 82)
The next day “Bhagavan said: ‘The “Brightness” is a unique Blessing for all people, all beings – all included, no one rejected…yesterday in a Shivering, Weeping Moment, I brought Myself down there Fully, most Concretely, and Absolutely. It is the most Powerful Place of My Transmission on Earth. I have established a Place of My Radiation. It is the Place where this Body in Its end-time will be fitted. Now I have Accounted for everything.’ ” (The Eternal One p 83)
“That day, Avatar Adi Da performed what was undoubtedly the most significant and most profound puja that has ever taken place in this earthly realm.” (The Eternal Stand p 258) Adi Da took His First Footstep onto Naitauba on October 27, 1983 and ten years later on October 23, 1993 He received news of His Fijian Citizenship. Once He knew no obstacles remained He immediately set about empowering the island. In a few weeks the “Brightness” Temple was quickly built so it would be ready for the empowerment November 19, 1993.
Santosha Ma began to have a strong impulse to return to India, but this time to visit all the holy sites connected with Meher Baba and the five Perfect Masters who had helped and guided him. From the winter of 1992 to the winter of 1994 She was “drawn to read and study the life of Meher Baba. (I did an) exhaustive study of his work and play with his teachers: Hazarat Babajan, Tajbuddin, Sai Baba, Upasni Baba, Naran Maharaj, and his teaching of his devotees, both Western and Eastern.” (Herstory)
Santosha Ma chose five of Her students to accompany Her and designated three of them as The A Team (their names all began with A). The trip was February 1- 15, 1994 and when She was there Santosha Ma became clear as to Her role. Upon arriving in India, She shared with Her students what occurred during the flight. “I have the strong intuition that I am serving Da Love Ananda’s work of shifting the spiritual center of the world from India to Fiji. I realize my job of being Master Da’s chauffeur is coming true, that my body is traveling doing His work.” (Herstory) She said that Sakori, Upasni’s ashram, especially is a fulcrum of spiritual energy. She laughingly commented that “Nothing Compares to You” was playing as they landed in Bombay and that yesterday there had been an earthquake near Bombay. She joked, “I guess I’m getting welcomed.”
On November 19, 1993 Adi Da empowered The “Brightness.” Now that the site had been prepared and He had ‘Accounted for everything’ He immediately was calling Santosha Ma to be His instrument in aligning all to this ‘the most Powerful Place of My Transmission on Earth.’
At Upasni Maharaj’s ashram in Sakori Santosha Ma felt “a beauty and steadiness, a spiritual serenity there, still alive in right relationship to the spiritual presence of their Guru.” (Innocence of Her Form p144)
“Upasni primarily taught women, advocating that spiritual life and Realization was possible for them. He spiritually married and taught a group of women he called Kanyas. He trained them in spiritual ritual, puja, and practice, and they assumed prominent roles in his ashram— taking leadership that, in spiritual traditions, was usually given only to men. After Upasni’s death, his successor, a woman named Godavari, continued the lineage and training of the Kanyas until her own death. I had a subtle relationship to Upasni…”(I had a dream when I was about 35 and living in Harrisburg, PA). “His nature was often depicted as rough and offensive to those who approached him wrongly. I would see him in a place that had no scenery. I would feel attracted to being with him and would sit beside him. He would verbally insult me. Even though I was and am timid by nature, I did not want to leave him: After he berated me, trying to get rid of me, he asked, “What do you want from me?” I was both terrified and greatly attracted to him. I replied, “I just want to be with you.” When he heard those words, a beautiful smile appeared on his lips and he beamed at me with a deep, pure love. He said he had a present for me. It was a bush with two flowers of different colors blooming on it—one was red and the other was a purplish color. He instructed me to plant the bush in my yard. I followed his instruction and discovered that, after I planted the bush, the two flowers fell off. I don’t know why, but this sign of the flowers dying and falling off the bush was a great sign to me that brought a flood of joy to my being. I often wondered what the flowers represented.” (Innocence of Her Form p143)
Later Santosha Ma came to realize that the flowers represented Meher Baba and Adi Da and that She would live after they had dropped the body to carry on the Teaching. (Years later in 2007 at the Biennale in Venice, Santosha Ma saw Adi Da’s ‘Alberti’s Window’ exhibited there. Adi Da Samraj had included both a red and a purple flower in this piece.)
“Sitting at the feet of Upasni’s picture at his Samadhi site, I felt his words, “You have come. It is all readied to be given to Him. All will be moved there.” (Innocence of Her Form p144)
As she explained Her visit to the various sites: “Respectful of the Divine that lived and taught there, I had come to embrace them all with my presence and respect. I was a humble child before these great saints – a child of innocence, a free play, but not separate or apart. I was the one to bring them love, to accept their significance and, through this acceptance, to honor them to reside in me. I knew that this pilgrimage was significant for the spiritual tradition that it represented and truly I was Da’s chauffeur – doing this pilgrimage, this puja to Him, as I Am She – to align what is true in these Gurus and their lineage to Him. The meaning of Upasni’s words, “All will be moved there,” was understood. He was recognizing that he himself and his tradition adhered in, were restored and alive in, Adi Da and that the center, the spiritual Heartbeat of the world (and of the manifested realms), lived in the body of Adi Da, which was also represented by His residence in Naitauba, Fiji – the place where East and West meet. I was Da’s chauffeur, my body as His, driving Him “around” to complete this work. It has been recorded that nine months before the birth of Adi Da, Upasni Baba spoke spontaneously of an imminent incarnation in the West. ‘This man will be all-powerful and bear down everything before Him and even see to it that the Vedic Dharma is firmly established in India.’ “ (Innocence of Her Form p144 – 147)
Santosha Ma said that the seclusion She is living in is traveling with Her and She is not becoming emotionally involved in the Indian culture. It is a quiet time for Her and Master Da is quietly moving into a new phase of His work.
In Poona after visiting the tomb of Hazrat Babajan and the neem tree, where she used to sit, one of the women had a vision during meditation: “Hazrat was glowing with happiness because Santosha Ma had come and said, ‘She is my wild side. She is the wild seed, my wild spirit who sings through all Time’ … Babajan said she was the feminine for the Avatar in her time and that Santosha Ma is serving the same function in her own time.” (Teachings from the Fiji trip)
Despite all that was involved in Her Universal work, Santosha Ma worked diligently with the A Team’s practice, constantly inquiring about their seeking and japa. She told them when, what and how much they could eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom. They were to count how many times they had a lapse in japa. There was no down time. She explained that “when I frustrate your desires and point out how you are always wrong in everything, you will become angry and hate Me. However, you must stay in place and serve Me through this ego crisis. If you do not run away when the object of your pleasure becomes the very person who continuously frustrates you, your deeper desire and love for Me (God) will surface. I will be doing all of the work — your only job is to stay in place.” (Report on trip to India)
Santosha Ma told them, “It’s only you and your mind — boring, isn’t it? I will push you to hate your minds — and it will be a relief to do practice. I loved mind yoga. I loved bringing my attention back and to my teacher. Maybe you can build that kind of a relationship with Me now.” (Report on trip to India) At the end She said She had monitored them the whole trip, now it was up to them to keep it going. It was the most easeful trip to India ever.
At the end of the trip they went to Tiruvannamalai and Santosha Ma went by Herself over to surprise Sarada – which She most certainly did! During the visit, Sarada gave Santosha Ma a red coral necklace and said, “For Durga.”
In March “After returning from India I feel strongly that I need to complete the transfer by circling the island, Naitauba, in a boat.” (Herstory) In early May Santosha Ma “felt the impulse to travel to the East Coast – particularly Washington, DC – and to visit the places connected with the governing bodies and laws of our country: Supreme Court, the Capital, viewed the Declaration of Independence took public tour of the White House.” (Innocence of Her Form p 149)
She also visited art museums and while taking photos of the sculptures “I had a deep intuition of how different Adi Da was from all the great spiritual teachers who went before him and in my relationship with my friends and family in the spiritual tradition had felt my own difference – but I had also felt that this difference was just a characteristic of Durga’s independence from tradition. I turned to my students and, in an ecstatic mood of bright intuition, told them, “Everything is truly different now. You do not realize where you are and who you are with. We are the most fortunate of all people. He is really, truly here, available in a way that has never been totally allowed before. The Divine has come here, has totally meditated the primal error of separation, and the world is no longer separate in any way from the Divine Reality. There is no God to attain. God is present as your Self as this and all worlds. This is Adi Da’s Gift, this is Who He Is. I have known his truest authenticity. He has given me the Gift of Himself. I know no other, I have no self even to stand apart to contemplate Him.” (Innocence of Her Form p 149 – 150)
In April/May 1994 Santosha Ma wrote “two more stories that complete a trilogy which began with “Sweet Corny Love Song”. These are “The Survivors” (In which the character Do Feelin who represents Master Da) calls the Goddess to incarnate physically and “Grand Opening Sale” which tells the story of how this incarnation happens.” (Herstory)
“She had spent years giving all her regard, absorbing all rigidity of contracted desire, and free flowing all, spinning all in motion to his wishes. She absorbed the madness of the world only for him, so the world could come to see him and love him like she did. She had been a warrior for him, an artist of his form, his lover and his most intimate stranger. She hugged the form of a woman. She fought bravely on the front lines and painted his play of refracted light. She was his ordinary…experiencing life in all its daily habits and housewifely routines, making this realm of unlove a place where she brought a smile of love. Steadily, she held love here, in a form here. But now, the form could not take any more of the cleansing work.” (The Grand Opening Sale, Innocence of Her Form p 238)
“I read the last two editions of The Free Daist and I learned about the pilgrimage of the Durga statue to places associated with Master Da. I feel that Master Da has cleared all the obstructions that have prevented us from being with each other in the physical. I must go to Him!!!!!!!” (Herstory)
Santosha Ma had been having compelling dreams every night where Adi Da was pleading with Her to come to Him with such urgency and Heart that She felt tormented. She’d awaken, exhausted and the yearning was burning Her up. All Her attempts had been blocked or ignored by His students. She was rebuffed and rejected and dismissed. The refusal on their part had been complete. They presented a wall and said it was His orders, but Her heart knew differently. “I felt Adi Da’s insistent call to come forward again. As our lack of physical contact had not inhibited our ever-expressive spiritual intimacy despite His community’s refusal to enter into any real dialogue with me, I was again torn by the absurdity and suffering that His call put me through…Adi Da was asking me to finish the task of being His chauffeur, to bring myself to Him. There was no way his leadership would give me permission to complete this service. They had no maturity to understand and have sensitivity to our work and play. I was just a madwoman to them. I decided that I would travel to Fiji and circle His island, interfering with no one to complete this service.” (Innocence of Her Form p 149)
That spring, in preparation for the Fiji trip Santosha Ma began compiling a Herstory of Her life and work so She could share with Adi Da Her love and appreciation and how He had always guided Her. She read through Her journals and pulled out the important dreams, experiences and insights. Re-reading it brought up many strong emotions and memories as Santosha Ma reviewed Her life of service and saw the beauty of the play. Some things She had forgotten and remembrances touched Her heart. It was such a rich Herstory, always the constant struggle to get to Him, always the refusal and rebuttal of the community.
All during this time the dreams continued and She was worn down by the yearning they expressed. Her students were also having similar dreams of Adi Da’s insistence on Her coming to Him. The intensity built as the time approached. She confided Her pain to the A team who had committed themselves to serve Her and were to accompany Her on this journey.
In the afternoons She would share Her discoveries from Her journals with the three women and all would marvel at the Mystery unfolding in the events leading to this time. During one of these sessions She read about the puja string Sarada had given Her on that first trip during the puja accepting Her into their spiritual lineage. On October 15, 1988 She had put the string behind Sarada Devi’s picture in the Vedante Temple in Hollywood CA as a gesture to the Goddess and all women. She asked Sarada Devi’s help in Her work with the feminine.
Santosha Ma tells the story: “In preparation for the second trip to India to visit my spiritual sister, Sarada, I visited the Vedanta Temple once again to commune with the She Force. I related to Her at the time as the Mother. After sitting in the conversation of Silence, of Heart, with Her, I remembered the puja string Sarada had given to me during the puja ceremony she had performed on my first visit. I looked to see if it remained where I had hidden it over a year and a half ago. As I looked behind the picture of Sarada Devi, it became dislodged from its resting place and fell to the floor. I laughed to see it was still where I had left it after all this time. I retrieved it and knew the Mother was throwing it back in my lap”. (Innocence of Her Form p 95) “The story of this puja string, its offering as a gift, and its surprise retrieval back into my life occurred again in the future. After this initial return, I gave it to one of my students as a gift. Five years later, when I was preparing and reviewing my herstory in preparation for a spiritual pilgrimage, I came across the story of the puja string in my journal. I shared this story with a few of my students and ended it by saying, “I wonder whatever happened to that string.” I had forgotten what I had done with it. I told my students I regretted not having it, as it was a sacred item, a significant one in the herstory of my life. The same student who had tied it around my wrist after Sarada had given it to me, exclaimed that she had been wearing it around her neck in a locket for the last five years. I was thrilled that this sacred object was returned to me after all those years.” (Innocence of Her Form p 96)
Santosha Ma prepared Her letter of introduction to Adi Da:
“Dear Avabhasa,
I am so happy that you have called me here, to You. It has been a long, long, lonely, arduous journey and masterfully you have dealt with all the limitations in the way.
This is a letter of celebration, of recognition that there is ONLY YOU. This is a letter of praise and wonder at what you have accomplished for humankind. With the power and grace of Your Presence here you have rewritten history and changed the awful karmic destiny of human beings. It is literally so. I have seen it, felt it, not as a happy optimist but as your servant— standing alongside of you, marveling at how everything turns to You, and this turning —although presently felt in its seed form —the seed you have planted is of another genetic code altogether. This seed is the true potential and right of each person to realize her or his inherent Oneness with You. No Realizer has ever accomplished what You Have. NO ONE! The moment of Your Life has been the ONLY REAL MOMENT—the complete severing of the dream of separation and all its ridiculous, unloving rituals. With the SEED here (Your Bodily Presence) and all the conditions for right growth (Your Teaching Work, Your Blessing Work) this present generation and all future generations will bear fruit. Humankind can never fall prey to the false doctrine of the teaching of seeking. You have pulled off the miracle of miracles! You are the truest of the True —the Greatest Lover, the Greatest Realizer, Revealer, and friend to life.
You ARE LIFE ITSELF! I have always been here only for You. I hope my service to You has pleased You. I am so happy that you have asked me to come forward—that I may give praise to You face to face.
Happy, Happy day!
Your most intimate
Marada Heart Warrior”
(Innocence of Her Form p 151-2)
As only She can, Santosha Ma planned a grand Durga slip. She had the women tie up things so all was in order in the event that they stayed on the island as their new home. No one was told about this trip, no one else knew – not even their families. She knew it would be a shock to people and it was felt there might be resistance or upset. She created a story to cover their absence. Santosha Ma and one of the women were going to Big Bend National Park in Texas and the other two were going back East to visit their families. No one was suspicious.
At the time the women lived in the Bay Area. Their preparations were complete and they drove down to Santosha Ma’s house in Three Rivers. She greeted them with “Are you ready to start your new life?” They answered a happy, resounding, “Yes!!”
On May 31, the day before they were to leave, Santosha Ma took the women up into Sequoia National Park. They completed one hike and then as they walked around Crescent Meadow it began to rain. She said the rain was a Blessing from the Goddess. They climbed up Moro Rock and saw in the distance large dark clouds down in the valley racing toward them at great speed. They watched amazed for a little bit and then She said, ”We’ve got to get down from here!” They knew this wasn’t a smart place to be in a storm and quickly headed down the steps to Her car. As they closed the doors the lightning struck, sending a jolt which caused their upper lip to quiver. That was close! The storm came with great force. They headed down the mountain amidst thundering booms, flashes of lightning and pelting rain. She said that the lightning was part of the blessing but also an occult attack. But because there wasn’t any anchor, since the occult feeds on lower desires, it really couldn’t affect anything here. “It can’t take hold if there isn’t any seeking or sympathy with seeking – that’s its anchor.”
On the way down the mountain Santosha Ma talked to them about how important it was that both sides be satisfied with the outcome of this trip. She said the occult wall of confusion and control they had come up against with the Free Daists is no longer in place so it is imperative that they didn’t bring their old attitudes to this event. She reminded them of the Law of Love and relationship. She asked the women to prepare a love song to sing to Adi Da when they met Him and She chose ‘Let it be me’ by the Everly Brothers:
I bless the day I found you
I want to stay around you
And so I beg you
Let it be me
Don’t take this Heaven from one
If you must cling to someone
Now and forever
Let it be me
Each time we meet, love
I find complete love
Without your sweet love
What would life be?
So never leave me lonely
Tell me you love me only
And that you’ll always
Let it be me
Each time we meet love
I find complete love
Without your sweet love
What would life be?
So never leave me lonely
Tell me you love me only
And that you’ll always
Let it be me
They had been practicing and the words touched their heart. That evening as darkness closed in, they all stood outside on Her driveway to watch the storm. The thunder and lightning filled the sky. Santosha Ma had the women sing their song for Adi Da. They sang, somewhat nervous. “More Heart! Louder!!!” She coached them. “Louder! Louder! More Heart! Louder!!!” She kept repeating. They forgot everything else and just sang their hearts out – to Her, to Him. It filled them. The song took over. The rains came and they ran back into the house, wet and ecstatic.
The storm raged on and Santosha Ma lost electrical power at Her house. This storm is very typical of how the natural elements respond to events and changes in Santosha Ma’s life. They were reminded of the storm on the first trip to India at Ramana Maharshi’s Ashram just after Her discovery of Durga. They sat on the ashram wall watching as dramatic lightning continued to explode 360° around them like a dome, with loud, ground-shaking claps of thunder. It was a show never to be forgotten.
Santosha Ma prepared the gift packet for Master Da, placing in it the sacred items She had chosen: Her letter, the Herstory, pictures (including ones of Sarada and Sri Laksmana) and the puja string. The package was then well sealed in heavy plastic garbage bags and packing tape to protect it and hopefully make it water-proof. It measured about 2½’ x1’x5”. Everything was ready. “In early June of 1994, I made the pilgrimage to my Heart-Husband’s home to deliver myself as the means of bringing the spiritual traditions to his home.” (Innocence of Her Form p 150)
On June 1st Santosha Ma had the women confessing their seeking as they drove to the airport. She wanted this teaching to always be before them. She considered with them what things would be like if they got to see Adi Da. Would She live on the island with Him? If so, how long? What would Her role be and how would She spend Her time? Would She enjoy living on an island? Would they live there as well? The mysterious possibilities played happily in their hearts.
They flew through numerous time zones over the Equator and crossed the International Dateline – the imaginary line that goes north and south through the Pacific Ocean, one day is on the east side of the line and the following day is on the west side. This is where Fiji sits. Naitauba and Adi Da – “the place where East and West meet.”
They arrive in Nadi Makomba, Fiji, on June 2 at 4:30 pm after about a 13 hour flight. There was an intense tropical storm raging there also. They had to catch another plane from Suva on the other side of the island, so they used this time to do some sightseeing. They traveled around the island of Viti Levu and visited the Garden of the Sleeping Giant Orchid Farm, the largest and most varied orchid collection in Fiji. It had been created by Raymond Burr (Perry Mason and Ironsides), the man from whom Naitauba had been purchased. They briefly walked around Viseisei Village, the legendary landing site of the first Fijians and stopped at the Vuda Lookout point while driving the two hours to Suva, to the Suva Travel Lodge, where they spent the night. That night the force of the storm kept them up and seemed to increase in intensity.
On Friday, June 3rd in Suva, they had breakfast in Santosha Ma’s room and then went to the airport to fly to a smaller island, Taveuni, from which boats for Naitauba left. They were concerned the flight might be delayed but they were fortunate. They arrived around noon after a 5 hour flight, and went to their accommodations at the Maravu (Interesting since Santosha Ma was using the name Marada at the time). Everywhere they went people were surprised by the intensity of the storm, saying that this was not typical. The palms trees were bent over from the wind and the rain was pounding and they were warned to be careful of falling coconuts.
While waiting to check in, the women inquired of Nan at the desk about a boat to Naitauba. He immediately questioned if they had permission to go to that island. He referred them to someone at the airport who connected them to ‘the one’ who makes the decision as to who can go to Naitauba. He in turn called back to California. After numerous calls and contacts it was obvious they were not going to receive any cooperation from the Free Daists and had to proceed on their own. The old familiar “I’m in charge” and “I’m important” response and no one was willing to help get Santosha Ma and Her gift of Love to Adi Da. After all, we were just women and were not to be taken seriously. The absurdity of protecting their Master from another Realizer and the gift of Love She was offering didn’t seem to penetrate their wall of rules and shoulds. Where was the Heart in all this? Where was the love and cooperation? Why was such a gesture seen as a threat? None of this made any sense to them and they pondered why this farce needed to be prolonged.
They sat in the resort restaurant and Santosha Ma planned their next move. Since the community boat wasn’t an option, She suggested renting another boat on the island to take them. Santosha Ma stayed in Her room while the women went to find a boat.
On Saturday, June 4th the women went to Santosha’s room early in the morning. This was a time of revelation for Santosha Ma. Many things were being processed and made clear to Her. She knew She would always work with Adi Da regardless of the outcome of this trip. She now felt free to openly express Her love and relationship to Him publicly and how She was working and teaching for Him. She felt free to use Adi Da’s pictures, teach for Him, and would make public Her photography and paintings and art which revealed Their relationship. She was inspired to create BIG displays showing who She IS and how She serves Him. She was so happy and animated as She spoke to them and they could see the vision coming into focus. She is always so much bigger than what any situation seems to present.
At breakfast Santosha Ma told the women as they search for a boat to be up front and tell people what they are doing and why. It was important to tell the truth about why they were going there so there wouldn’t be any secrets. She wanted them to share their story.
Santosha Ma went with one of the women to tour the island while the other two looked for the boat. She explored the north side, going to the Waitavala Water Slide (a cascading series of small natural waterfalls), Somosomo Village, waterfalls, and the Blue Lagoon Beach.
The other two women traveled all over the island, but no boats were going out, not even the big ones, due to the storm and rough seas. No one would take them.
When they return somewhat discourage they met with Santosha Ma in the restaurant and She is exhilarated. That morning while touring the island was a time of further revelation for Her. She shared these new intuitions which were emerging and She was jubilant. She had an internal communication with Master Da and He told Her She was to be independent of the community and this meeting wasn’t going to happen.
Santosha Ma declared ecstatically “I AM She, Durga!” It was a Great day of Revelation. “It is time to come out of the closet as Durga. This trip is about Me stating this and standing as She Is. I see the suppression of the feminine in the Free Daist Community, so how could they really support or validate Me? Everywhere there is a suppression of the feminine. Master Da can’t do this, I need to do it.”
She joyfully exclaimed, “Yes, She IS! I AM Durga!” The women were thrilled. She asked it they would be willing to do public presentations and 3 A cascading series of small natural waterfalls that people like to use as water slides. teachings and openly declare Her to be Durga. It was time to stand up for what they knew and believed. Durga needs to be independent, to stand freely as She Is. These words stirred their Hearts. The Truth of it was obvious and answered a deep longing within them. She is the true and only demonstration of His teaching.
It was decided that they would celebrate at dinner. The two women continue their hunt for a suitable boat. Late in the afternoon they had a break and someone suggested Deep, a local fisherman, and they went to see him. They explained what they needed and asked if he knew his way through the reef at Naitauba. He said he did and he was willing to go out despite the weather. The only problem was the boat – a small dinghy. They decided to try to find a larger boat the next day.
Naitauba means ‘whale tooth necklace’. It “has long been respected as a chiefly island, home to great chiefs of legend. The island is also well-known for its nearly impenetrable coral reef…There is only one passage through the reef and even that is dangerous to navigate because it zigzags through the reef. Thus, the reef creates a complete and highly protective barrier around the island…(the whale tooth) necklace is pointed, elegantly dangerous-looking, and radiating in all directions – much as the sharp coral heads around the circular reel of Naitauba are dangerous to approaching boats.” (The Eternal Stand p39
At dinner Santosha Ma was feeling ill and left after the appetizers. It is hard to imagine what kind of strain all of this puts on Santosha Ma’s sensitive body. They don’t see Her for the rest of the night.
On Sunday, June 5 Santosha Ma arrived at the women’s bungalow. She was checking up on their practice to make sure they were confessing their seeking to each other. She asked about the boat situation. When they explain that all they had was the one small dinghy She questioned them as to their intent. “How big does a boat have to be before it is suitable?” She asked. “Why can’t you accept what you’ve have been given?” When She said, “I don’t care if you go. As far as I’m concerned, we can go home now since I am clear as to My role,” the women couldn’t let it go. They HAD to do it – their hearts demanded it. They each felt it so deeply that after coming all this way, they had to at least try to get the packet to Adi Da. Santosha Ma said, “I accept and respect that but I want you to stop looking for another boat and use the one you have found. Too much attention is being put on making it safe and comfortable.” Santosha Ma cuts through things and makes them so clear. They just needed to trust Love, regardless of the outcome, instead of always looking for the easy way – otherwise they miss what life is offering. This was their chance to take a stand for Love and they welcomed it. Her stance released any fear or tension they held and they could then just feel what they wanted and needed to do. She said, “Don’t do it for Me.” They confirmed they were doing it for themselves and asked Her permission to go. It was granted.
What amazing grace to be in a position to put everything on the line for love, for what you believe. They weren’t naïve about the risks. They just felt that this is what they had to do and it created a clarity and peace in them. Their Love filled them and a strong internal urging propelled them. They had seen the agony Adi Da’s call had caused their beloved Master and everything in them pushed for them to try. They felt so grateful for this opportunity and that Santosha Ma agreed to let them go. They decided to leave at 6:30 AM the next morning for Naitauba. It was set and it felt settled in the women. Everything relaxed in them. They were surrendered to whatever was to occur. They were ready.
The day arrived. On Monday, June 6th the two women stopped in to see Santosha Ma before leaving. She told to them to talk with the community and clear up any hostile feelings before attempting to deliver Her gift to Adi Da. They were not to leave the package unless they were sure He would receive it. She said, “If you get to the island, before I agree to come there, you have to be sure I will be received with proper respect and regard.” Master Da had given instructions that they were to do continuous japa of His name while on the boat and when they arrived. They were to help each other to keep the intensity alive.
They said goodbye to their Beloved Master at 6:45 and walked down the palm-lined dirt road to where the boat was tied. It was clear and still. It felt like a blessing, a new beginning. People were out and waved to them, wishing them good luck. By now much of the small island knew about their efforts to get a gift to “The Chief”. The islanders fully understood the ritual of giving gifts to the chief and couldn’t understand why it was so difficult to get this gift to Adi Da. They waved and called out encouragement.
When the women arrived they were surprised to learn their driver, Deep, was unavailable but that his uncle Robert, who also knew Naitauba, would take them. The women just had to accept this and they reviewed their agreement with him to drop them at the beach and then to immediately leave, regardless of what was happening. Robert agreed. He had another man, Tony, who was to be his helper.
They started getting the boat ready and handed the women life jackets. The women requested one for the package and saw to it that it was securely fastened around their precious cargo. The women were also given raingear. It fit one of them but was small on the other. They climbed into the boat and sat on the bench next to each other. The dinghy was indeed small and the engine was about the size of a 7 lb chicken. The package was placed in front of them. The driver was in the back and Tony sat on a small triangular board up front as look out.
At 7:30 AM the boat departed and they headed out into the surf. It was choppy. The warnings were still up and no other boats had ventured out. There were 12-14 foot swells, sometimes larger. The driver was skillful at going up one side and over. After each wave the woman closest to it would tilt her head so the water could run off and then came the next one. Robert had to hit the wave at precisely the right angle or they would flip.
They did japa of Adi Da’s name and the japa lived them. They easily stayed in the meditation. Nothing disturbed it. Time felt suspended. The japa was so powerful and sweet it held them the whole way. They did not wander. They did not move, except for the rhythmic head tilting. They did not eat or drink or talk. They just remained totally absorbed in feeling Santosha Ma and Master Da. Their hearts were alive with it and nothing distracted them. They wanted to stay like this always. It is remembered as one of the highlights of their lives.
The trip took about 5 hours to go the 40 miles to the island. They never saw another boat, most of the time they couldn’t see land. But they didn’t feel alone out there. They felt so a part of it all and so absorbed in their love of the Masters. The sky was dark and overcast but it wasn’t storming. At one point one of them thought about an oar, since the engine was so small and it was working very hard. There were no oars. Oh well. About halfway there a school of flying fish came up along side them and followed them for a distance. The fish skimmed about 1’ off the surface of the water right next to the boat and stayed with them as if accompanying them on their journey. How did they stay like that, suspended in air? The whole trip was magical and this just added to the wonder of it.
Finally they could see the island in the distance, peeking out amidst the swells. What a thrill, they watched it grow as they approached. They arrived at Naitauba at 12:30 PM. It was low tide and getting through the surrounding coral reef was tricky with the waves breaking over it. The driver asked them for their map. Their hearts sank because it wasn’t a navigation map, it was just a stylized drawing from a magazine.
They were spotted and a boat was sent to meet them. The women were at first pleased but realized that was premature. It did help them through the coral reef but it had been sent to turn them away! The island was alerted to their coming because of the phone calls and they were ready with a flotilla of boats to meet them but not greet them. Rather they came to protect the island against two older women who had risked everything to cross the wild open stormy seas to bring a gift and praise and love from their spiritual master and they were being refused again. What danger could they possibly pose? How was Master Da threatened when they rode on His name to come? It made no sense but it was consistent with the behavior they had experienced.
The Free Daists had sent Fijian men to do their work for them. They remained hidden and unavailable. No effort on their part was made to have contact and communication. The women were told they had to leave immediately. They explained that they had been on the open seas for 5 hours. They requested that they be allowed to go to the island since they were soaked and cold and really needed a bathroom. The Fijian ‘welcoming party’ let them board their vessel. As the women departed the dinghy they told Robert to leave immediately and not wait for them. It turned out one of the Fijian men was his brother-in-law and Robert was reluctant to keep their deal, but Tony, the man up front, understood and they took off.
Instead of being brought to land to use the bathroom they were shuttled to the island’s larger boat, used to transport devotees back and forth. They were told they were not allowed on the island. Adi Da’s students would not even meet or talk with them but instead had sent these Fijian men to take them back to Taveuni. The Fijians were confused by this lack of etiquette when a gift was being given from one Guru to another. It contradicted their way of life.
After coming all this way and actually being in the lagoon at Naitauba the women felt such a wave of sadness as they watched the island slowly retreating from them and then disappearing into the sea. They had been so close and later felt they should have just jumped into the water.
Santosha Ma and the other student had walked the beach that day. Walked and walked. The women arrived back at Taveuni at 7:00 PM and got to Santosha Ma’s bungalow around 7:30. She told them not to be upset. She “asked them not to blame Adi Da for this treatment, and said, “Let us go. There is nothing else that can be done. The complication is not between me and Adi Da, it is in those who will not love.” “(Innocence of Her Form p 151)
At dinner that night they had a little celebration. Santosha Ma told the women they had been brave and stood up for their feelings. She said their time there was done and they would leave tomorrow. She reminded them that She has always stood alone and now She understood why. She said ecstatically that like Durga, She is to stand as She IS. She was not upset by the outcome, rather the trip had given Her the vision of Her role and how to proceed. Her students could feel the joy and truth of this revelation so they could drop their disappointment and marvel at the wonder of this play and this remarkable realizer seated before them.
It was an historic moment and they were held in awe of this unprecedented appearance of One who embraced the promise to restore the Feminine and break up the unnatural suppression of women. It thrilled them to hear She was to stand Free and independent. Something deep inside felt completed and healed. Although it had always been their dream to see these two Lovers united in the physical, the feminine needed a champion who could fight on all levels for this insane out-of-balance world to be brought to the Heart so women could claim their rightful place. This understated woman was that champion that had been prayed for, ached for, cried for. Durga is alive and ready to kick butt.
On Tuesday morning, June 7th they gather in Santosha Ma’s bungalow and She processed the trip. She said, “To do something like that which demands bravery, risk and the need to stand up for the Truth with our own feelings, even if it appears to fail, the actual doing of it creates growth. They will see that you do not feel ashamed of what you did. It is the process, not the outcome, that is important. Putting things on the line for love over and over, not succeeding or getting credit, is what is important. Doing it just because you have to, is its own reward. This way, the power is in the action — an action of love for love regardless of the outcome.”(Teachings from Fiji trip)
Santosha Ma further discussed the revelation received on this trip. She said, “I don’t have to physically reach Master Da and have Him proclaim Me as Durga. Master Da has always encouraged Me to be independent and I see that this will continue, with Me serving a male as well as female role.”
She explained, “The male ego is in opposition to Her revelation as Durga. What we have encountered is the suppression of the feminine. Master Da’s work with Durga is because of this.”
Santosha Ma reviewed Her teaching on the Human law and the Divine Law. “There should be law (the male principle) to keep people in right relationship. Rules are for order, to prevent chaos. Rules and laws are not valid if they do not help us be in right relationship.
Men make rules and say they are in charge. When women hear this, they collapse, doubt their feelings, and feel guilty. It is very difficult for women to break through this programming.
Women are eager to play the servant. They don’t know what else to do. The kanyas play this role also. They are “protected,” but not in a way that allows them to follow their intuition. The FDC males twist the concept of protection. They place Master Da in a feminine role and “protect” him in order to take power from him.
Santosha Ma has had to work with the occult male psyche (the hatred of women). If the same situation continues, the seed (His work) will remain, but the actual demonstration will not. She will be the only demonstration, and will be functioning outside of the community.
In this lifetime, Master Da has broken the genetic code of separation from God. No teaching has ever started with prior happiness.” (Teachings from the Fiji trip)
At check-out Nan asked them how their trip had gone and the women shared their experience. Santosha Ma then suggested that they say, “We went to Naitauba and the white men hid behind the Fijian men and refused to talk with us.” When Nan heard this he said, “I didn’t think white men would do that!” (from a student’s journal)
The islanders were shocked by this whole play and stopped and questioned them as they waited at the airport to take their leave. It was their custom to take a gift to the chief and this whole incident had bewildered and disturbed them. Again, Santosha Ma told what happened, not keeping it a secret. She also wanted to make it very clear that Adi Da had no part in what had occurred.
She told the women, “The occult is stupid energy that has no real power. It’s a bluff. It’s just like how we gave the FDC power to make decisions. They don’t actually have the authority. We needed to come all this way to see if they would have all these rules and insider/outsider games with us. When they say, ‘These are the rules’, we know no change can happen – we are up against beginners.’ ” (Teachings from the Fiji trip)
It was clear to Santosha Ma that She has to do Her work outside the community. She was no longer interested in getting the packet to Master Da. Two of the women took it upon themselves to go to the Mountain of Attention soon after they returned to meet with the Free Daists. It was to open up a dialogue so our communities could begin to work together and allow for this new change. The men acted really ‘cool’ and blasé about everything, ‘the nice guy act’. The men justified their actions and decision citing that there was no protocol to receive a Realizer. Santosha was pleased that the women took it upon themselves to take this action and stand up for Her and the trip.
She wanted the A Team to do the spiritual teaching since She no longer wanted to. This way Her life would be freed up to be the artist, to be in nature and to express Her state. “I AM She, Durga – How will that be expressed?” She wondered.
It was a different time. Things had changed and Her initial way of teaching had come to an end. She discussed Her work, explaining that the first part of Her teaching had been about purifying the lower personality. She has totally completed that work. All the work She did with shopping, TV, movies, entertainment etc was part of that purification work. When She was doing it She was totally absorbed in it to the extent that She had no separation from Her students. Whenever they came into Her company She addressed their lower personalities. She is now purifying the deeper mind only and doesn’t need to do that directly – She can do it through Her art work. No matter how they respond, the purification work is done. (taken for a student’s journal)
When they returned home Santosha Ma had the women call and invite all Her students to come join Her for the day at Lake Lagunitas in Marin County. When they rendezvoused, everyone was so happy to see Her and they excitedly gathered around Her. One student asked, “How was Big Bend?” And Santosha Ma answered matter-of-factly, “I didn’t go to Big Bend, I went to Fiji.” There was a long incredulous silence and then the fireworks of simultaneous excited and shocked questions and reactions exploded at once. She had done the Durga slip. The trip was retold and the affirmation of Her as She IS standing alone. It was a wild happy time of celebration.
What an adventure! As with so many things with Santosha Ma, things don’t always turn out as you think – but it is always more wonderful than you can imagine. She Is! And She stands as Durga. She said She was happy it went the way it did.
If Santosha Ma had gotten to the island She may have had to live under Adi Da in a sense and Her role as Durga would not have played out as fully. But whatever would have happened, She would have only been able to live it in Her fully free way, so who knows? That was that play and now He is with Her always and She with Him, in intimate collaboration. They hold the world in Their loving hands and Their sacrifice has opened it up for change to occur and manifest. It will probably take awhile for the historical significance to be fully realized and acknowledged, but the work has been done, the gift is given and the teaching established and everything will change as a result.
Adi Da broke the code and planted the seed and Santosha Ma sprouted and lived it and watered the ground for all to receive His offering. What a time we live in. His revelations exposed all previous understandings as false, showing their inherent limitations and immaturity. He had Durga to live the true feminine and to put things into balance through Her life lived as a woman. She had to do it and She did!
She had to go on this adventure to fully feel this function She was to live. She made the greatest sacrifice of not being with Her Beloved in order that this could be fulfilled in Her. She now uses Her art to communicate the beauty and strength and wonder of life lived from this understanding and it speaks eloquently to the dignity of a human life and the Mystery of Love, of the Divine.
The puzzle took shape with all the pieces coming together and fitting in so the full picture could be appreciated. Adi Da is like no other realizer. He came and broke the seed of egoity. Santosha Ma came to realization through His guidance and She is His living demonstration. She is the one to carry on the teaching and anchor it. She is Durga. She fights for the restoration of the feminine. Adi Da supports this and recognizes that She is the One to do this work. Adi Da performs the Empowerment of The “Brightness” as the most powerful locus of His Transmission and then immediately He asks Santosha Ma to be His chauffeur so all could be spiritually aligned to Fiji now that it is ready. They both have a connection to Upasni who foretold of Adi Da’s appearance and the role Santosha Ma was to fulfill and he uniquely championed realization for women. Prior to the Fiji trip Sarada recognizes Durga with a coral necklace. Hazrat proclaims Santosha as her wild successor. The natural elements react to the profound revelations and intuitions being discovered and lived. The puja string weaves Sarada and her tradition with Sarada Devi and the work with the feminine to tie them all together with Adi Da in Durga’s fight to restore balance and establish the Law of Love and true relationship. We live in a pivotal time for the world and we have been witnesses to extraordinary events which will change everything forever. What an amazing life!
August 31, 2014
