She was seventy years old and she was getting married (again). And to a much younger man; a man half her age. Theirs was a most peculiar arrangement and relationship. The reasons why this is so will unfold, but will that shed light on this couple’s dynamic? We’ll see.
It was her spontaneous urge to pull off the road and park at what was discovered to be a trailhead. They decided to hike up the mountain, perhaps all the way to its peak, and there declare their vows to each other. It was a challenging hike, the day was warming, and the views brought them closer to the red rock formations that they had looked up at, at the beginning of the trail. They rested from time to time and admired the local wildflowers that were blooming en masse on the rocky hillside. They laughed and felt their love for each other, and the promise that that love held for each other. They had no adornments that couples that were about to be wed wore. She was wearing a ring that he had given her a few days before. It wasn’t a conventional ring that a man gives a woman to acknowledge their love for each other. She had asked him to give her a ring, “something artistic and fun, nothing expensive.” He had presented her with a ring that was in the shape of a dragon’s head laden with small jewels. She had accepted the ring and his pledge to her also on a walk – a walk that had ended at a waterfall in a national park. Walking was what she liked to do and so he enjoyed taking walks with her. They walked up the trail, and as they gained altitude, they stopped at times to take sips of water, catch their breath and take pictures. She also loved taking pictures, and throughout her life she had owned many cameras and had taken millions of photos that she created her art from, but now she just took pictures from her iPhone – it proved adequate for her needs.
She wondered what her friend was feeling at times, and when she looked at him, she could see her love gladden his face, and that warmed her to know that what they were doing was what they both wanted. She felt herself to be in a strange play of their own making, for who would approve of such an arrangement, such a show of love between two unlikely strangers? The unlikeliness and unconventionality of the relationship would not win them any approval from family members or the society in general. When people saw them together, they assumed that they were mother and son. At times, some people would have the nerve to ask them how they were related. There were two answers to that question, and they could not decide which one to answer at any given time. That they were lovers? Was that the easier? Or that I was his spiritual teacher – his guru – and he was my devotee, as our answer. Which answer would be more socially accepted and less shocking? Over time my love and I thought that our relationship as Master and devotee was the more shocking answer, so we would allude to our relationship as close friends.
At times we were confused by our own relationship. He came to me having watched my videos – my talks about enlightenment and the ‘how to’ of spiritual practice. He was drawn to enlightenment – the latent spark to Self recognize his true nature was coming alive and it was attracting him to me. I wanted to serve that spark, and aid him in his impulse to awaken from the limits of self-imposed personal identity. This is when the treachery or trickiness began. An attraction began that I felt was a plan of clever deception; a plan that originated from a deeper impulse that neither one of us was informed of up to this point in our lives.
She was used to following her attractions and quite capable of it. She could get easily bored at times, and always pushed the boundaries of conventionality to find out why everyone was doing what they were doing. She could read the patterns of people’s lives, and the hidden codes of people’s lives were obvious to her. No dream was hard for her to understand. She was and is an intuitive being, and so she knew without knowing how or why she knew. Sooner or later her intuitions moved her into a play, into life, and today hiking the mountain with her friend Prem to take their vow on the mountain peak was another intuition that moved her into life, and like a strong current – a current that was so powerful that it couldn’t be denied or metered out in small doses – it was a full force that contained both human and spiritual elements to it. They were both overwhelmed by this current, this force, and wondered what kind of insanity were they engaged in? Whenever she wondered at its potency, she wondered who or what was behind the maddening urgency of it? Granted she was aged, and aging people always feel the Goddess of mortality as their companion. Perhaps, she argued, now or never. And as she always wanted a rough gem to come to her so she could polish it to its bright light state – perhaps this was her wish being fulfilled. Besides the Goddess of mortality that served her awareness of the finality of her embodiment, there was another Goddess that danced and played with her in the realm of her internal life – a place which was a vast realm of white light wildflower beings that were engaged in beautiful (and treacherous) acts of creation. Was her Goddess friend playing a wonderful trick on her right now? Creating this love attraction between her and her devotee, and that was why they were toiling up the steep trail to the mountain top, to exchange vows of serving his two-fold desire – that to be initiated into the deeper knowing of his true self and nature, and to be her close heart companion in life? Whenever she doubted him – his need or ability to love his own light and to love her – her Goddess friend that has gone by the name Lakshmi, always danced a jig. She was dancing in the internal realm of her heart, and kept repeating, “Don’t worry, it will all work out.” She wasn’t sure what that meant, but it encouraged her to continue to follow the edge of her attraction and where it would lead her. Now it was leading her to the top of the mountain, where their marriage vow to each other symbolized that they both had decided that they were all the way in. How can anyone know what that means?
How does an enlightened teacher cross the line from formal instruction with her devotee to sharing her life with her devotee? She had always lived in close association with her devotees, teaching and reflecting egoic limitations to them as they lived their lives in close association with her. It was not an easy way to teach, and she suffered their mistakes and refusals quite often, so why was she willing to take this young man into a most intimate relationship to serve his awakening? She suspected that she was being tricked into it as was her devotee/friend Prem, by her Goddess friend who was putting a plan, a play into life that they probably had both dreamed up even before she had taken embodiment. That it came so late in her life was very interesting. Why start something new at this point, when everyone else is summing up their life accomplishments? Why indeed? She wanted to find out a few things before she left embodiment. I won’t reveal what she wanted to see fulfilled, or at least attempted to be fulfilled right now. Now, she was almost to the mountain peak. Soon, only a few more weary steps and they would make it to the top. A deep impulse – a deep desire and a deep attraction was leading them to this moment. Of course, Lakshmi was dancing ecstatically, she knew what promise that vow would hold not only for me and my dear (much younger) young man, but for all lovers of light and form. We remained shrouded, veiled from all that big bright implication of sweet Shiva/Shakti realizing dance. We were just trying to make it to the mountain top hoping that the world and our loved ones could accept and adapt to our chosen life together. Our life together would be my art, it was being created as it occurred, we had only not to deny it and allow it to fulfill its course – its destiny.
It was on her usual retreat time – a year ago – the time when she went to her beloved Eastern Sierras with her small group of devotees and family, that he came and stayed in her company for the entire two weeks. He hiked with her and the group, listened to considerations and meditated with her and the group every evening. She saw in his heart his fire for the light, and that delighted her to have a new student who was passionate for awakening. She began to read the patterning of his ego – his obstructions to perfect freedom, and knew she could serve him. He had a good sense of humor and could be delightful to be with. It was easy and natural to be with him and serve his thirst. She liked his nature, and felt at ease and compatible with him. The two weeks of mountain immersion proved to be a very happy time for her. Being immersed in the beauty of nature made her feel strong and she forgot the burden of her aging. She didn’t like aging – being an older body (who does?) but in the mountains, hiking up the mountain in altitude, her fortitude was her enjoyment. She vibed in the natural world, and the natural world conducted her happiness in a way that was a delight to both of them.
She would watch him from time to time, and she could see that he was enjoying himself. She could see he had a grin on his face even when the uphill was more vertical that what anyone would like. He was a married man, and his wife also approached me to learn, but from the beginning I could see she was not interested, was not burning for awakening. As time went on, she excused herself more and more from any meetings or instruction. He came by himself to do service, to meditate and to be part of the circle of devotees that were around me. I always was happy to see him. As I spent most of my days alone, happily engaged in art, walking and nature exploring, and as he was working at home and doing his own trading work, I would invite him on hikes with me. He asked me many good questions, and I was able to guide him more closely to understand what is needed from the spiritual aspirant for awakening to occur. He loved these considerations and had the conviction and courage to go through the purification process. I was very happy to have met such a person who had this fire for the path, as my small group of devotees, though secure in our love for each other, on the whole were struggling, too comfortable to break through to the deeper knowing that would undermine personal ego and reveal True Being identity.
Thus, a pattern emerged between us, he was happy to have found his guru, and I was happy to serve his thirst – it was a push in my teaching work that I enjoyed. We began to notice that there was a compatibility in our natures that we hadn’t shared with others before. If I showed him my more edgy side of my point of view, he laughed right along with me. It didn’t scare him, and he often teased me, and I teased him right back. I began to feel him as my own form at times. I could feel, hear him do japa of my name. I felt my natural state, my transmission of already happy meditate him, and this grew in frequency and intensity. I told my Goddess sisters about this, and they were delighted, and Lakshmi would say, “Give him what he wants, it will all work out.” I didn’t know what she meant by that, but I felt encouraged that he would be a devotee I could open to awakening before I died. The next part, surely, I could not have imagined, and I knew it was no ordinary play or destiny, rather it was the play of the divine. We were being led into a deep meditation of each other that had an arousal aspect to it. Even when we weren’t together, I felt the force of his japa of my name; it created a strong current, transmission between us. In the past, whenever I met someone who was destined to be with me (for whatever length of time) I experienced a meditation of their form and a knowing of their karmic pattern that would reveal itself even in the psychic dimension of seeing their other lifetimes in dreams. With Prem, it was like reuniting with a very dear friend, and the play of re-remembering each other took on a yogic intensity to it that I hadn’t experienced before except with my teacher Rama and my Guru Adi Da. As our meditation of each other grew in intensity, it consumed my life in both the awakening and sleep state. I would experience him (at night) saying my name, and I would respond by saying his name, and in the yogic force, we became one body/mind. His body/mind was uniting with my force, my being. I was unable to sleep for several nights. As this maddening yogic love process continued, I became aware of his response to the transmission and yogic force – it became sexual with a whole bodily and heart arousal. As the force intensified, the arousal deepened, and the whole body was aroused and the heart was burning. I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew this was no ordinary play or love, and it was an indication of his thirst for awakening. And my dear sister Lakshmi was always laughing and dancing and reassuring me that it would all work out. I didn’t know how long I could endure this state of heart and yogic arousal. But I always went toward the edge of experience, and I wanted to see this through and see what it would reveal in time.
I had leased an electric car – a car that I enjoyed for its speed and style. I love driving and wandering in the wilderness. He also loved ‘sport’ driving, and was used to wandering with me. It was on such a drive – he was driving and we were gliding down a curvy mountain road, that I decided to tell him my experience of ‘our meditation.’ I told him of my yogic meditation of him, how I became his form, and how I ‘heard’ him doing japa. He surprised me and said that was his experience too. I was quiet a bit, and didn’t know how to proceed, but decided to just reveal all. I described the yogic aspect of our meditation, and that it built to an intensity that involved whole body arousal. He sighed and I could feel him trying to understand my explanation of this play between us. He didn’t struggle long with it. He laughed and said, “That’s my experience, I’m glad I’m not having this experience by myself. I’m glad that I wasn’t just imagining it was happening.” We both laughed and drove in silence for a while. I could feel a tension between us, I could feel he was struggling with what he wanted to say next. I knew what he wanted to ask me, but how would I respond? He didn’t waste much time, jumped right in and said, “Would you consider being intimate with me?” I was quiet for a bit, and felt the age difference and all my own age shaming about it – about being old. I spoke slowly, “I would consider it. My reluctance is mainly that I am old now and haven’t had any intimate relationship in years. I have felt that that part of my life was no longer viable or did I have any interest in it.” Mostly I felt that I was ashamed somehow of having an old body. I didn’t want to feel that way – self-acceptance of my own experience was how I lived and always wanted to live. I suggested, “Let’s go slow and see what develops.” We were both happy and wondered how the future would play out between us. I imagined an affectionate hug or kiss from time to time between us, but our fate would move quicker, deeper, with much growth, for the both of us. It would become my all-encompassing art form – a passion play I could have never expected or anticipated. Yes, Lakshmi was dancing and singing, “Give him what he wants.” I love how I can be so naïve even at this advanced age. I love how the innocence of her form, my own form, is my natural play even as passion comes alive.
The force of arousal between us moved us toward each other. To be caught up in such an adventure was thrilling, and we were both losing any reserve we had in going toward a whole-body expression of love and desire. It became more and more difficult to resist how magnetized we were toward each other. I knew it was inevitable that we had to meet each other in all the ways our hearts wanted to. As maddening as the heart attraction was between us, I could not go forward with the expression of our heart intimacy until he reconciled his marriage. I told him I couldn’t see him unless he made his decision about his marriage and his attraction to his enlightenment and his love for me. The separation, he found, to be puzzling and difficult. That day tears poured out of me that I hadn’t ever experienced before in my life. I was a very detached character mostly, enjoying my natural free state, so this bout of copious tears streaming from my face and heart was a new shocking experience for me. Much of what was occurring between us both spiritually, yogically and humanly was a new experience for me. I marveled at how I had some private reserve and deep feeling and need for this man. What could it all mean? Within a day and a half he sent word to me that he broke up with his wife and was getting a divorce. A wave of relief over came me. I would not be taking the risk all by myself. He would meet me, and we would take the plunge into the heart together.
As we walked towards the peak, knowing we had gotten through the obstacles against our union, I was eager to reach the top of the mountain and let flow our feelings and stand in our outrageous assertion that heart intimacy and enlightenment could enjoy a lifetime together in two obviously different forms. What an outrageous adventure. We both so wanted such an adventure in our lives at this point. We both loved our freedom, and we both wanted to expand our freedom in a way only our deepest imaginations could imagine. I always meditated the form of my devotees – this was my yoga to transmit – to serve my free state as my gesture of love – to insist on their awakening. Now I found someone that wanted to awaken with a passion that included the love of my embodied form. It was in our imagined need that our unlikely union would be a companionship that would satisfy all our impulses to be living as awakened embodiment.
Hot and tired we reached the peak. We were also eager to see and say what our hearts would say. We sought out the shade of a small tree, held hands and looked into each other’s eyes. I welcomed him to stay in my heart, and that I would always be happy to serve his impulse and need to awaken. I was happy to accept him as my beloved devotee. He sweetly with his eyes ablaze and moist, told me that he would always be my devotee, and that our loves and lives and work would be one. After we spoke these words of our heart, we took a few selfies to mark the occasion. Soon after that a retired couple made it up to the top of the mountain coming from the other side. We greeted them before we took our leave.
On the way down it occurred to me that we did not speak in our vow to each other about our impulse not just to experience our relationship as master/devotee, but also as intimate companions. When I turned to look at him, I could see he was also pondering this. I laughed and brought it up, and we stopped on the trail and spoke to each other about how wonderful, what it is that we share together, and how much we loved each other. Perhaps no one would understand this beautiful dynamic between us, perhaps our families or the public could not see past the age difference. This did not matter, for I knew no one can see into the heart of another. The mind judges, but the heart attracts our imagination to manifest love, and it defies the logic and the prejudices of the times. This is what makes the journey of a lifetime worthwhile. We were committed to be on this journey, and our hearts were delighted to start a new story. We did not consider the improbability of our union not succeeding. We saw the Goddess dancing in her affirmation of our life and joy, we were on the trail – the path to living a life of awakened, free, loving intimate embodiment.
A few months before the day of our hiking up the mountain in Sedona to speak our vows to each other, we had taken a walk, one that was closer to our mountain home. This day was also an extraordinary day, and I still remember it as the most ecstatic day of my life. I call it “Middle Fork.” It was the best, happiest heartful day of my life, and that’s saying a lot, as I have experienced much sublime states of love.
We were walking the middle fork road in the park – the road was by the river, and as we walked, we enjoyed the scenery and each other’s company. We had been learning hand mudras, and I did hand mudras as we walked. As I was engaged in this I looked up and saw a luminous being arise on the mountain. She was smiling as her form appeared. This was a delightful communication. We continued to walk and reached a small waterfall as the road gave way to a trail that proceeded deeper into the wilderness. I felt the Goddess Lakshmi and she spoke to me and urged me to ask Prem if he wanted anything – that she wanted to gift him. He simply said, “Her blessing.” I was happy with his request, and as we began to walk back, I immediately felt a most sublime bliss radiate from my heart. I could see that Prem was also experiencing this to some degree. We were both so blissed out, smiling ear to ear. I felt all of nature conducting this bliss with me. I felt a tree asking me if we could share transmission together. We did another mudra, and I felt that occurring. My eyes were rolling up in a great heart yogic force, and to ground myself, to enjoy the experience, we listened to love songs on my iPhone and sang and danced our way back. I felt the outdoors live in and conduct my heart. Our beingness was and is shared bliss. Prem was ecstatic too, and we walked, almost tumbling over each other with the bliss of beingness. Another visitation began to occur, this time of two great luminous beings. I saw them walking towards us. I could see it was the Avatar Rama, and his beloved consort Sita. Sita walked towards me and merged into my being. I felt her as a wave of my own love and heart. I felt these experiences were an expression of the play of my love and work with Prem. I felt our connection was creating another aspect of how I would live and love. I felt that my work – our heart embodiment – was beginning its appearance and ascension of manifesting. Could this be really true? Could this be really lived? Why not? We are only limited by how imaginable our imaginations are, and I knew that the heart of my imagination had no bounds, limits or bottom. I wanted to show and share this with Prem.
Having taken our vows to live this life of love, our lives were intertwined and shared in every possible way. The extraordinary and sublime aspects alternated with the ordinary everyday tasks of living that were experienced with happiness and our sharing it together. The aches and pains of old age were shared with the aches and pains of his being 35 years younger than me and what he went through. His practice to experience himself as True Depth was enjoyed by his experience of my Self-Aware depth. We brought humor to everything and took care of each other when we had COVID. There were days of consideration wherein I showed him how to see beyond his fears and ideas and thoughts that confined or bound him to unrealized states of ego stuckness. He was an avid aspirant, and he did not spend any time being ego ashamed, but learned past these mistakes and would always return to humor and love. As our life and love conformed to each other, we were grateful and surprised at how easeful it had become. How could such a relationship endure and deepen? We would joke that the divine – my Goddess sister Lakshmi had set it up and found us and brought us together – that we were waiting for each other, and that it involved a span of 35 years for it to happen.
And then one evening as we lay in bed, Prem was reading my journals. I was finishing my sadhana back in 1984, and he read a dream that I had that involved my teacher, Rama. In the dream I had begun to doubt my teacher Rama, and it came down to being righteous about what I felt was his promiscuous tendencies, and my love and trust for him as my teacher and friend. When all the evidence was in, I was going to expose him, but as I looked at the crowd that had gathered and I saw him standing there, I knew of everyone that was there, he was the one that I truly trusted and loved. I told him that, and he hugged me and said, “Welcome to Lakshmi,” which at that time was the name of his organization. As Prem read this dream out loud to me, I saw that my teacher Rama was actually revealing to me my relationship to the Goddess Lakshmi. The next part of the dream was even more surprising, and what also surprised me about it was that I never recalled this part of the dream, but it was written down after I had the dream years ago. In the last part of the dream, after acknowledging my relationship to Lakshmi, Rama pointed out an Asian man to me. He was sitting in a meditation pose. Rama said, “Do you see that man? You two are very, very close, and someday you two will probably get married.” I thought that was very unlikely, as I was already married at that time. As Prem read this, we were both stunned and looked at each other, and we both knew that the Asian man that was my close friend, was Prem, and he was finishing up that life. What a nugget of future prediction and heart connection Rama had left behind in that dream, and to think that I never remembered that part of the dream! The divine will hide and reveal in the right time, and sitting on the bed with my beloved friend – my Prem, we laughed and spoke about how wonderful and happily treacherous the play of the Divine Is. What little we can know at any time, the Divine – the Play of She Is, lets us live it, discover it and enjoy it in our time. How surprising She has imagined it all for us and how deep her love is. Love knows no limits and can manifest here. It brought my dear Prem to me. His love delights me and it has always been that way. This is our love story.
Santosha Tantra
July 23, 2022
3:47 P.M.
